Do couples who move in together last?

Living Together Before Marriage: Does it Really Hurt Your Chances?

Okay, so let’s talk about something that’s been buzzing around in my head lately – the whole “living together before marriage” debate. We’ve all heard the whispers, the anecdotal evidence from friends and family, the “it’s just a trial run!” arguments. But what does the actual research say? Well, buckle up, because the findings are…interesting, to say the least.

I recently came across some fascinating research from Drs. Rhoades and Stanley at the University of Denver. Their work, focusing on long-term relationship outcomes, throws a pretty significant wrench into the “live together first” philosophy. They found, consistently across multiple studies, that couples who cohabitate before getting engaged actually have a higher risk of divorce or relationship dissolution compared to couples who wait. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That’s crazy! It seems counterintuitive!” And honestly? I thought the same thing at first.

It’s easy to assume that living together provides a valuable “test run” for marriage. You get to see how you handle daily life, finances, and annoying habits before making the big leap. It seems logical, right? But Rhoades and Stanley’s research suggests that this isn’t necessarily the case. Their work points towards a phenomenon called “sliding, not deciding.” Instead of a conscious, deliberate choice to commit to a relationship, couples might find themselves gradually sliding into cohabitation without fully discussing their long-term goals and expectations. This lack of a clear, intentional commitment might actually weaken the foundation of the relationship.

Think about it – the act of getting engaged represents a significant milestone. It’s a public declaration of your commitment, a tangible symbol of your intentions. It forces you to have those crucial conversations about the future, about marriage, and about what you both want. This process, the intentional commitment, appears to play a crucial role in the success of the relationship, according to this research. Cohabiting without that formal commitment might mean those crucial conversations are delayed, or even avoided altogether. You might find yourself facing a crisis point later down the line.

Now, it’s important to note that correlation doesn’t equal causation. The studies don’t definitively prove that cohabitation causes divorce. There could be other factors at play – perhaps couples who choose to cohabitate before marriage already have different relationship attitudes or values that are more conducive to dissolution. Maybe those who are more likely to cohabit are more likely to accept divorce as an outcome, or perhaps there are selection biases in the participant pools, which is something to consider when assessing any research.

However, the consistency of the findings across multiple studies by these researchers warrants a serious look. It challenges the common assumption that cohabitation is a risk-free way to assess compatibility. In my opinion, this research doesn’t necessarily condemn cohabitation altogether. It suggests that perhaps the timing and the intentionality surrounding the decision are crucial. If a couple is deeply committed and has already had those crucial conversations, perhaps cohabitation is a perfectly acceptable step. But if you’re thinking of it as a casual step before formal commitment, the research certainly raises some serious food for thought.

Ultimately, the decision to live together before marriage is deeply personal. But Rhoades and Stanley’s research provides valuable insight and a compelling case for considering the potential consequences, prompting couples to approach cohabitation with mindful intention rather than a casual “let’s see what happens” attitude.