What is the 70 20 10 rule of good conversation?

Unlock the Power of Dialogue: The 70-20-10 Rule for Meaningful Conversations

We’ve all been there. Trapped in a conversation that feels more like a series of monologues, where each person waits their turn to speak rather than truly engaging with the other. Meaningful conversations, the kind that spark connection and understanding, require a more nuanced approach. Enter the 70-20-10 rule, a simple yet powerful framework for transforming the way we communicate.

This rule proposes a balanced approach to conversation, allocating specific percentages to different conversational elements: 70% active listening, 20% thoughtful questioning, and 10% summarizing and proposing solutions. While these percentages aren’t rigid mathematical formulas, they serve as a valuable guideline for fostering deeper, more productive interactions.

70% Active Listening: The Foundation of Understanding

The cornerstone of meaningful conversation lies in truly hearing what the other person is saying, both verbally and nonverbally. Active listening goes beyond simply absorbing words; it involves empathetically engaging with the speaker’s perspective. This means:

• Paying attention: Resist distractions and focus your energy on the speaker.
• Showing genuine interest: Use nonverbal cues like nodding, maintaining eye contact, and using encouraging expressions.
• Reflecting and paraphrasing: Periodically summarize what you’ve heard to ensure accurate understanding and demonstrate your attentiveness.
• Withholding judgment: Create a safe space where the speaker feels comfortable sharing without fear of interruption or criticism.

This 70% focus on active listening allows you to absorb the nuances of the conversation, grasp the speaker’s emotions, and build a strong foundation for genuine connection.

20% Thoughtful Questioning: Unveiling Deeper Meaning

While listening forms the bedrock of understanding, thoughtful questioning acts as the catalyst for deeper exploration. Asking the right questions can:

• Clarify understanding: Uncover underlying assumptions and motivations.
• Encourage elaboration: Invite the speaker to delve deeper into their thoughts and feelings.
• Stimulate critical thinking: Prompt reflection and new perspectives.
• Demonstrate genuine curiosity: Show your interest in understanding the speaker’s perspective.

Avoid closed-ended questions that elicit simple “yes” or “no” answers. Instead, opt for open-ended questions that encourage the speaker to share more, such as “What led you to that conclusion?” or “How did that experience make you feel?”

10% Summarizing and Proposing Solutions: Moving Towards Action

Once you’ve actively listened and explored the topic through thoughtful questioning, the final 10% focuses on summarizing key points and, if appropriate, proposing solutions. This stage is crucial for:

• Confirming shared understanding: Ensure that everyone is on the same page.
• Identifying potential next steps: Move from discussion to action.
• Offering support and guidance: Provide helpful suggestions or resources if needed.

However, remember that not all conversations require solutions. Sometimes, the goal is simply to connect, understand, and empathize. In these cases, summarizing and acknowledging the shared experience is sufficient.

By embracing the 70-20-10 rule, you can transform your conversations from superficial exchanges into opportunities for genuine connection, deeper understanding, and meaningful engagement. It’s a simple framework with the power to unlock the true potential of dialogue.