How do I say I need the toilet?

Okay, so, how do I put this delicately? "I need the toilet!" doesn't quite cut it, does it?

Ugh, I'm desperate! I REALLY need to use the bathroom. Like, right now! My bladder's practically screaming at me! You know that feeling, right? That awful, "Oh please, let there be a bathroom soon!" feeling?

Can we PLEASE hurry? I don't think I can hold it much longer. Seriously, it's an emergency! Remember that time I was stuck in traffic on the way to Grandma's and I swore I was gonna... well, you get the picture. Yeah, it's that bad. I mean, I'm not trying to be dramatic, but... dramatic pause ...it's pretty dramatic.

Like, I feel like I should be able to just say "I need to pee," but sometimes you gotta be a little more... diplomatic? Or maybe you're in a super fancy place. You know, like when you're at a fancy restaurant and you can't just blurt it out. So, yeah, help a girl out! What's the best way to politely say, "Take me to the porcelain throne, STAT!"? Because, let's be honest, sometimes holding it is just... torture. And ain't nobody got time for that!